Flowers and leaves and things

So, I finally found autumn. Turns out it was hiding in the back garden all along.  I relish this season of transition, everything getting ready for the slow part of the year. There is still some warmth in the sun but you can smell the cooler air blowing in and before you know it - hey presto, jumpers and scarves and hats!! Score!


















I found some lovely potted Calla lilies in a beautiful shade of burgundy black. I can't describe them any other way than those 2 colours, darker than the deep red of a peony yet not quite as soulless as a black tulip. And there was just one crystallised drop of sap on the tip of one of its flowers. They made my day.

With the husband starting on his new day time hours at work I am filling in the time best I can. We are waiting til we are sure the boy child has settled in at college before I start hunting for work, that way I am on hand in case anything goes awry or he stresses out too much.
I'm now writing and creating, drawing and getting round to doing all the things I wished I could do if only I'd had the time... Currently I'm relearning crocheting. It's one of those things you learn as a child when you're sat next to your Grandma and she teaches you the rudimentary steps that were probably passed down from her Granny.
Except I am a little bit "if you don't use it you lose it" and I have forgotten it mostly BUT thank goodness for YouTube is all I can say :)

Along with all the doing I am finding my fingers are itching to pick up a book, any book will do but am grateful the husband bought me the sequel to
 Stephen King's "The Shining."

It carries on 20 years or more after the Overlook hotel and its darkness. I wonder which movie studio will buy the rights to it??

And this little beauty gives me a nudge when my eyelids start to droop and I need a bit of a pick me up!


















All in all I think October has been a fine month, let's see what November brings, shall we?

Yooohooo, anybody out there?

Most people are born into a religion, few have the chance to choose their own path.
I have felt, for a long while, the steady pull of what I can only describe as God. At first it was just a gentle nudge that made me want to read up on religion, then it became a little stronger and I delved deeper into several different paths to the divine but what made me struggle was that there wasn't a definitive yes or no. Depending on who you talk to they mostly only have eyes for their own personal beliefs, so ask a hundred people and you'll get a 100 answers...

Judaism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, Sikhism, Buddhism, Taoism, Shinto, Baha i, Paganism and on and on it goes...

So I'm going to put my thoughts down on metaphorical paper and see if that helps me!

First and foremost - God (I'll use the term God but for all I know it could be a she...) should be kind. None of this fire and brimstone lark. Who wants to be lead by fear? Not me, I'm more of a 'catch more with honey than vinegar' kinda gal. Kindness is this seasons' black - it should be the fashion of this era.
I think women are totally equal to men in every way and shouldn't be discriminated against just cos we have le boobies. In fact, if anything we are pretty awesome - we do the whole growing and feeding babies bit, that's an amazing thing eh?
Gay people have as much right as anyone to get married and live happily ever after, with kids if they want and with Gods approval too. God loves us all, each and every one of us, he sees beauty in all of us and judges us by our deeds and not by how we look.
Capriciousness is a big No No, like a parent - he should be consistent.
Evolution happened, there may or may not have been intelligent design behind it but Darwin was spot on. I once read a fictional book by David Eddings about Ul, the father of the Gods, in which he wrote that the universe was spun out of nothing but Ul was the spinner. This sounds plausible.

And God is in a personal relationship with each of us, a trusting & gentle personal friendship.


God is not hateful, covetous, spiteful, conversion crazy, unpredictable or distant. Neither is he a bearded old man who sits in the clouds! :)

Religion means so many things to so many people. Sometime good and sometimes bad, but which ever it is it shouldn't be extreme.

Also I'm not sure about Jesus yet. It is a heck of a burden to carry knowing that he had to die for me just so I can pass on the responsibility of my sins. I understand the whole "Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" Mr Spock quote but why would God do that to his own son? And why can't God himself forgive us instead of getting his son in on the act. The trinity befuddles my brain - Father, Son and Holy Spirit??? Meh.

Each religion seems to have it's good and bad points and I'm narrowing them down all the time to find that one elusive path. But it's always just out of reach - I just want to know which yellow brick road I should be on.

I've even started to ask for signs from God/the universe/destiny - anyone who is listening in fact, just to gently turn me around and give me a little push onto the right road. No takers so far though... Could I just have a giant neon sign please :)

So I'll just keep on keeping on and look out for God who is obviously thinking it's a hoot to have a game of hide and seek with me. 8, 9, 10 ready or not here I come!!

Flexibility and Change.

You know the surfer dudes who live in SoCal or Hawaii? I want to be like them. They potter through life with just one goal - find the best waves and get in the water. Obviously I'm speaking metaphorically here but never the less. The fact that they go with the flow from one moment to the next is just awe inspiring to moi.

We, here in deepest, darkest suburbia are in a state of flux. All four of us (and that's without including the four legged residents who must surely be feeling it too) are heading, nay hurtling towards change.





The husband is having to make difficult choices at work due to restructuring and closures, not to mention the fairly substantial pay drop. This is so hard for him and I know he feels it keenly as he's the main 'breadwinner.' His love for us and desire to provide for us makes me feel blessed.
So after 10 years of working a night shift he is changing to working 2pm til 10pm. He is scared of not seeing us. We are scared of not seeing him.

The ever wonderful girl child (who has just turned 19!!!) starts a new chapter in her life as she moves 250 miles away to settle into life at university. This is sooooo weird as I barely feel old enough to have a few grey hairs let alone an adult daughter! Yikes. The even weirder thing is that friends who are of a similar age to me are just having their first babes and here's me with empty nest things happening. Is 40 old? She is ready for this though, just as she was ready to jump out of a plane a few days ago doing a tandem sky dive for charity. She is a tough one - this girl of mine. But she's made of sunshine and who doesn't love a bit of sunshine.

The magnificent boy is about to leap into the world of college after 16 years of being home schooled. He is off to the local 6th form college to start his foray into applied science. I think the college are lucky to have him :)
It is a wrench for most kids but especially so for someone who craves routine and the simplicity of the hum drum order of his life. The great unknown for someone with Asperger's can be uber stressful and this cascades through into all aspects of his life.
I'm pretty sure he is still grieving for my dear Dad and he has stopped eating and my strapping 16 year old young man of a child is down to 7 stone 11pounds. He has zero interest in food. He puts his feelings about his Grandpa to the back of his mind and doesn't address them - I think these emotions creep out in other areas though.

And as for me?? I'm redundant. My babes are heading out into the world and I'm packing away school books that are no longer needed. Paper and pens are hitting the back of old drawers and staying there. I'm no longer looking at things to pique the waning interest of a sulky 15 year old. The art stuff is moving with the girl child. The house will feel different but hopefully the same as well. I'm going to have to look for some paid work too as we try and help out the girl while she is living it up as a student :)
It's been 20 years since I was last employed so going back to that is really scary, so much has changed.


We're trying to lean into this change though. Go with it, but it is so hard. What do you mean I'll only be cooking for 2 people in the evening not 4? No more snuggling up for a snooze with the girl as we chat about mundane stuff or giggle like school children.
No more kisses from a tired husband as he slips into a warm bed at 7am after working so hard during the night.
No more hands on mothering, my role now will be to guide and advise not role up my sleeves and delve head first into things needing the most attention.

Change is inevitable. Change is constant. ( B. Disraeli) And it is a life lesson I am going to have to learn!

Keep on keeping on...

                  So, start a journey of self exploration they said... It'll be fun they said... Hmmm.

                        Spiritually, mentally and physically. Put the work in and you'll find yourself.

Physically   Back in February I joined a gym. I had to make my daughter join with me as a comfort blanket and also as a reason for me to go. The maternal gene is huge in me so if Loll went I would have to also go just to make sure she was ok - see what I did there??? I tricked my brain into making me do something I didn't want to do by playing the Mum card! *taps forehead in a smart manner :)
And I'm up to 45 minute sessions 5 days a week - yay me!!!
I never thought in a million years that the gym was the place to be but going there has sure helped alter my view of myself.  I am terrified of being judged, not just a little bit but great, whopping planet sized amounts of judgement.
Most of it comes from my own brain - "You're so useless, why would anyone want to talk to you..."
"You're so fat and that makes you a second class citizen, not even worthy of people talking to you"
"See those people over there? Well, they are laughing at you because you're so hideous."

Seriously, this is typical of the one sided conversation that goes on in my mind, day in and day out. This leads me nicely onto...

Mentally   Well, as I was saying, my brain can be a tad mean to itself. I liken it to having a tired, spoilt, mardy child sat on my shoulder, shouting in their best whispering voice in my ear about all the things I'm terrible at and how hideous I am and that folks would be better off without me. This child is called Anxiety and it normally kicks me in the stomach at least 5 times a day. Now when I say I get anxious I don't mean the proverbial 'butterflies in my stomach.'
I'm talking; arial acrobatics within my stomach, headache, sweats, thoughts racing at 150mph, digestive issues (yes that is code for toilet worries...) and tears - great big sobbing tears.
On top of all that I'm hearing the child tell me how useless I am and how my husband must be a blind fool to put up with me and on and on it goes.

So I've decided that I'm going to stop listening. All those hurtful things I say to myself, I wouldn't dream of saying them to another human being so why am I letting myself think its ok to say them to little ol' me?
I am a work in progress. I am trying to be gentler with myself, talking kindly to the seething mess of anxiety that lives in my brain. I'm doing new things that terrify me and part of me is still convinced that behind the smiles of everyone I meet is a sneer and that they are thinking awful thoughts about me. But soon my neurons will get the memo that I'm moving on from this way of thinking and easing into what I think is a bit more suitable - love and acceptance.
I know that if I stayed at home I would still feel the terrible burden of anxiety but on the flip side I'd feel it if I was trying new things, sooooo I am getting out there and taking part in life. Still scared but doing new things, going new places. It's all about trying to see myself through the eyes of my loved ones and not my own eyes.


Spiritually   I search for God. A lot. God is very elusive. I've searched for Him/Her/It in the bible, in the veda's, meditating under the open sky, the torah, quran, in the summer solstice and through the eyes of devout people.
"Which God do you believe in?" you may ask...
"The magnificent one" I say. "The one that loves me whatever I look like, that resides in nature and guides me gently through troubled waters OR calm waters for that matter... the one that dwells in me and helps me be the kinder, more loving person that I know I am. That's the God I believe in."

But sometimes I feel I am no closer to Him/Her/It than I am to- let's say, the nearest galaxy.

I keep asking for a sign but I've not been hit by one bolt of lightning so far :)
Maybe the Divine is sat there trying to tell me to open my eyes and then I'll see it... A nice, neat little sign post that says "Divine spirit this way, only 5 miles to go"




So that's where I am, halfway in and halfway behind myself. Moving forwards while staying stationary.
Changes always start with a tiny step eh.

How to take a bit of heart break and not let it hurt so much..

Cam is nearly 17. This kinda freaks me out a bit. I obviously turned round to pick something up in 1999 and turned back again and it is 2013, I've lost about 13 or so years.








The difficult thing for me is that as he's grown up he's drifted away as well.

From being the tiny baby who we didn't know whether he was going to even live past the age of 8 months (dodgy plumbing in his heart...) through to all the Asperger's connotations, I've been the one closest to him. My arm stretched out to catch before he even knew he was about to fall, I would grab him a jumper 2 minutes before he came to tell me he was cold, I could answer his question before he even asked it. I was linked to him so closely that sometimes I couldn't tell where I finished and he started.


































Being an aspie meant that life has been a bit of a mine field but somehow I knew just where to step so those bombs didn't explode and 9 times out of 10 I could soothe the savage beasts that took hold of him when his life became just too much.

But he's finally reached the teenage years :) even though chronologically he's been there for quite a while and that closeness is dissipating too quickly for me, it's like trying to grab hold of handfuls of smoke - it just slips through my fingers.

I am beyond thrilled that he is now reaching out to other family members and currently his big sis is being super fantabulous and I find them just hanging out together - I love this!! He talks and she listens and he engages. After so many years of him not being interested in being a part of something he is now emerging like a butterfly from it's cocoon, smelling the sweet air and tasting the dew on his tongue.

But it is still a wrench for me, this new stage in his life... I find myself being snapped at for doing something, that 6 months ago, would have been welcomed. Or I get the teenage look of doom for saying something that is inevitably the wrong thing at the wrong time. Hence the heartache, I'm losing him in a way but gaining him at the same time, gone are the days of watching Thomas the Tank Engine and in are the conversations sat around the fire pit about how to facilitate time travel... Yes, really.

It's not easy having teens but at the same time it's sooo exciting watching them grow. The mothering gene should have an 'opt out' switch for these kind of murky waters when it hurts.
As I said to someone recently - parenting hits you with the full 360 of emotions and generally speaking, all within an hour!

So, now I'm looking at the big world with my own eyes, not through the eyes of my children or husband or even dogs... Trying to find my place in it is going to be tough, I think.

All growd up.

What do Mothers do when their kids are all grown? Is there a special class somewhere we can go to that will teach us how to integrate with normal society sans children? For nearly 19 years I have been a Mum, I've nurtured and cosseted, disciplined and educated (literally- as we home schooled!) been a personal cheerleader and psychotherapist, cook and pot washer and about a thousand other things that hang under the title of 'Parent.' After reading Rae's blog about Motherhood and all it's wily ways I pondered how different it is being at the opposite end of the stick - my days of having pre teens and toddlers running about are over. Each stage of parenthood proffers its own craziness, yes?

The girl is off to university in September - WOAH! Wait a minute, university you say??? My child? Old enough to be doing stuff on her own.... When did this happen. So panic sets in and you second guess yourself about whether or not you have prepared this amazing human being enough to be out there in this big ol' world without you to hold their hand. What do you mean they'll have to budget for food, wash their own clothes, remember to lock up at night!!!! I can barely do that myself and I am 40 and she is just a child at almost 19. Hang on a minute, here comes the panic again...

And the boy is off to college soon, Nearly 17 and as tall and hairy as a full grown man. Eeeek.
He wants to be a scientist, to be honest I think he already is. Always wanting to know how the world works on a teeny tiny molecular level. Again, amazement at this serious young man we've raised. He's overcome more difficulties than most adults ever have to face and is simply awesome.






So now me and the husband have to start this new chapter in our lives as the kids start writing their own books.
We'll have to remember to talk to each other without using stuff the kids have done to start the conversation... Wait a minute - you mean that's even a possibility??

This is going to be a bumpy ride I reckon, remembering how to be a person in your own right - not just a parent or partner. You mean I count for something that doesn't involve cooking noodles or cleaning clothes? Of course I do but I sometimes forget this. For just one day I'd like to be able to see myself through Sherm's eyes because apparently he doesn't see a fat, useless lump. He sees his equal in every glance he casts my way, he sees beauty where as I see ugliness, he loves me unconditionally. I'm a very lucky woman. One incredible husband, two fantabulous kids who are rising to their own challenges and a new lawn in the back garden... What more could a girl ask for eh? :)

Garden goodness

My most favourite place to be is outdoors. What ever the weather. Outdoors.
The down side of having dogs (we used to have a cat who liked to leave us presents everywhere) is that they kinda ruin any chance of a garden you could have. Keep in mind one of our four legged friends weighs in at about 140lbs and our lawn suffered terribly. Plants were a no go too as they were always being inspected by paws and teeth so very frequently.

As the year has been progressing we kept look out into the back yard at what we laughingly called a garden and we despaired. Hands were wrung and brows furrowed, teeth gnashed and even some timely pacing occurred. Finally we weighed the pros and cons of a garden upgrade and decided that it was time to grab the bull by the horns and call in the big guns.

And after a weekend of hard work we now have grass! And an area to plant! And a border where I can sow wild flowers to attract the bees!
My soul truly lifts every time I look through a window and see a lush carpet of green goodness.

Except for the time we looked and saw the big pile of black feathers... Our neighbour witnessed the carnage - as swift as an arrow in flight, a kestrel had swooped down and attacked a blackbird that was happily strutting around. Then as quickly as it arrived, it flew off with the poor, dead blackbird in it's talons.
Unhappy as I was about the poor bird and my messy garden I was amazed at how close to wildlife we are in our cities. In our locality and seen on a regular basis are foxes, owls, badgers and now a kestrel! We share our spaces.

Two negatives equal a positive or so they tell me...

Did anyone ever tell you that grown up life can be a bit like school playground life but with mortgages and bills and the like?
There are cliques and popularity contests, competitions to see who has the best curtains and furniture, my job is better than your job - oh no it isn't..... my car goes faster than your car, we have 3 foreign holidays a year and to hell with the carbon footprints.

Oh man, someone let me off this crazy merry-go-round called adult life!

One incident started me thinking about negativity and selfishness and whether or not the 2 are linked by some cosmic factor, we were driving along with no worries when all of a sudden a van driver cut us up without warning. No hand gesture to say 'Ooops, sorry about that' or a friendly nod to acknowledge his vehicular faux pas. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
All because he'd decided he wanted to be in a different lane, we nearly get bumped. Is that selfish of him? I reacted with a certain amount of hostile language under my breath...  well not so under my breath :) and the husband who is a driving instructor and very professional, wasn't phased - he just reacted swiftly and took us out of harms way.

He is always so calm in these kind of situations, where as I go from 0 to rage in about 3 seconds. I try so hard to be a good, kind and caring person and when other people act so differently it really bugs me. Then it bugs me that I am bugged about it and then WOW! - GUILT and SHAME about thinking so meanly about someone who could be having a terrible day. The van driver could have been in a hurry because his child was ill or his house had been burgled or any number of things. Or he could simply have been a douchebag.

How we react to people, who, let's face it, are big ol' meany meano's from Meansville is down to us. Trying to think the best of people can be challenging at times but I'm hoping goodness shines through and the good guys save the day. Sometimes the shiny happiness is clouded by people who only think of themselves, but do they do that on purpose or were they never taught how to empathise or look at the bigger picture. Can a person be truly selfish if what they are actually doing is not thinking of themselves but simply not thinking of others? Maybe their brains aren't stuck on 'me, me, me, me' but neither are they registering 'you, you, you' either.

Hopefully in the scheme of things my curtains don't maketh the man and I'm not the sum of my Ikea sofas or kitchen cabinets. Hopefully people won't judge me because of how I look or where I shop or how we drive, neither will they look on me with scorn because I think it's reasonable to put out my oap next door neighbours rubbish bins out for collection because it saves them having to do it. Or a million other kind things I try to do to ease someone else's day.

Kindness is the new black, or 30 or however the saying goes. Kindness actually rocks and lets hope people pass a little bit of it on as often as they can.

One day at a time.

One day at a time to still be grieving. One day at a time to search for reason. One day at a time to better myself.

I'm a great believer in spirituality and that is where I search for reasons. Some people think it can be separate from religion but for me it is the quest to find the sacred. Yes, it can involve esoteric Eastern traditions, I don't believe any religion has the monopoly on ritual and yes, you can worship in a way that is only suited to how you perceive what is sacred.
I was brought up in an agnostic household. We kinda of believed in stuff and we, as kids, were christened - as it was the thing to do, not that it had meaning.

At about age 10 I became a member of a local church, I felt warmth and a sense of belonging but I can't remember if I truly believed?? I sang in the choir and went to Sunday school. I really enjoyed it. But did it make me a Christian? I don't recall why I stopped going... I probably found it didn't gel with school/friends/boys etc...

Sooo, how to believe in God. I think I'm in the whole "yes there is a God" camp but I'm unsure as each and every religion seems to have all these rules that just don't sit well with me -I think women are equal to men, gay people have every right to love who they want and raise a family together, food is food - wherever it came from and meat should be slaughtered as humanely as possible, God shouldn't be capricious- he or she should stick to their word.


If I could, I would take a little piece from so many religions! Hindu puja's,  both the ones performed at home and at larger ceremonies are beautiful, as are bhajans (devotional songs) that are sung with simple clarity and true belief and with full hearts.

Then I'd throw in a weekly Sabbath to show that I could give time to rest and reflect on God. But with a few less rules - if I wanted to sew, light a fire or plant some seeds then that'd be cool but I'd just do it with God in my heart.

Ancestor worship is really common in S.E Asia and it would be for me too, I can't believe my loved ones are completely gone when they die but I'm not sure if I'm ready to think about Heaven either because if their is a heaven then there must be a hell....  I think evil simply is-I don't think the devil has to point people in any direction but I do believe we have a freedom of choice to be good and loving human beings.

And seeing the divine as nature - I am so down with that. Every time I see a flower blossoming or waves crashing on an empty beach, snow falling, trees growing, immovable mountains....I reckon that is when my heart fills and I see God.
Prayer shouldn't be rigid or separate, women and men should be able to be together when they want to talk to the Divine....
Meditation could be a useful ally to concentrate on goodness.




I'm still on the fence about Jesus, I think Gandhi probably got it right when he said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Jesus appears to be pretty cool, he was down with the everyday folk, he cared for people - fat people, thin people, rich & poor, good or bad, it didn't seem to matter to him but I really don't get why he had to die just for me? That's quite a responsibility for me to deal with!!

Religion also seems to mean conquering and conversion, with a little dish of war on the side. Extremism is an ugly use of a persons belief and it strikes fear in my heart when people use it as a weapon to dish out hate.

And......
For example, Hinduism ticks so many boxes for me but then lets me down with a thump when it talks about people being 'untouchables' just for being born into the wrong family/caste... Judaism is good - but the rules are so strict and I really do not think the kosher way of killing animals is reasonable, plus I likes me some crustaceans and an occasional bacon sandwich. Islam just seems more about making up the numbers to swell their ranks.. And even though people who are Muslim say that women aren't viewed as second class citizens, then why are they expected to prayer separately from men or in other countries they aren't even allowed to drive??



I wonder how many people of differing religions actually actively chose that path. Most people are brought up believing in something and that follows on into their adult lives.

Me... I'm still searching.

Awkward...

Well, lets all discuss the most awkward places to suddenly remember that your dear Dad is, in fact dead and not just on some everlasting holiday...

a.  During an episode of all singing, all dancing 'Glee.'
b. In the cinema whilst watching Hansel and Gretel.
c. Tesco's - bread and cakes aisle...
d. Outside Marks and Spencer's in a big shopping mall cos they didn't have the right coloured rose bouquet and his spirit might not like the peach ones - I always get the yellow ones.
e. At the gym, on the treadmill.

 To mention but a few.

And folks, when I say "remember" what I actually mean is burst into horrendous, sobbing tears. The kind that you don't know if it's snot or tears rolling down your face.

I miss that man. I miss that he missed my big birthday. And the mahoosive banner the kids strung between the houses! And that my awesome husband's got game and whisked me away for a lovely get-away in the Lake District, just the 2 of us. Or the fact that my birthday went on being celebrated for a whole week :)

I dream about him (my beloved Dad) every night and have done since about a week after the funeral. Last night I dreamt his car was broken so he had a Porsche Cayenne???

I'm making him a thousand cranes. A dedication from my heart.

Windermere

Birthday flowers!

LaLa and Doodles doing the birthday things :)

The end result! And yes, I am wearing a tiara!

Any guesses on how old I was??

New fire-pit for relaxing evenings :) *happy

Big brother and me

If this was in the military I'd be shouting "Hooah" right now...

For the past 70 million years I have had the mop and bucket sat in the kitchen. It looks at me with a tenderness as I wander past it, a real longing in the way it's tousled mop fibres point at me.

I have, so far, ignored it and it's wanton ways. No mop and bucket is going to attract me so easily, I say to myself as I hurry out of the kitchen. I'm not that submissive when it comes to 'kitchen fun'..

But as my awesome husband had an early nap this afternoon and LaLa and Doodles were ransacking Subway for it's cheeky french bread and multiple meat offerings - I found myself all on my lonesome. I wandered into the culinary heart of the home and got cornered by some cillit bang and the hot water tap who were voicing their concerns over visitation rights with the mop. Who am I to deny their pleasure???

So folks, I mopped. Hooah. The end.

Slight longing of the soul...

Nature soothes me. A lot. Nothing quite beats being outdoors does it? I am, however, not so fond of rain.... We've had a fair amount of the wet stuff recently which has seriously cut into my 'being outside' time.
I've even been known to sit out in the garden, with a brolly and a cup of hot, sweet tea just breathing in the fresh air all full of heavy raindrops just waiting to happen.
And then there's the wrapped up warm version.... Snug in coat, hat and scarf with a hot drink, candle in a jam jar and book at the ready.....

Doodles even learns better when we're sat outside doing his education type things...  When the kids were little we put a giant board up on the side of the shed and painted it with chalkboard paint - et voila, instant outdoor art! It's also where we introduced algebra to them as well but that's a different story!

Look how little doodles looks.... that's probably 10 yrs ago.  The creation of Shovel guy looks cool though.

I'm sure I've got a weird gene slyly implanted somewhere in my DNA.

Many a night spent in front of the fire pit. *swoon*

We no longer have the trampoline but the sunshine looks goooood.

Anyways, I'm longing for the warmer, dryer weather to hurry up and get here so I can slip outside and feel the grass between my toes with Crosby, Nash and Paul Simon singing their version of "Here comes the sun" as a soundtrack in my head....
I've also discovered (hidden under my pillow) a serious case of wanderlust which has been brewing for about a million years. It was brought to the forefront by our wonderful nephew (seems weird calling him a nephew when he's only about 10 or 11 years younger than me!) who is setting out on a year of adventure!! He's at the tricky stage when he's consolidating everything to either sell/store/leave behind which I think must be mega scary. Can you imagine compartmentalising your entire life? I can barely decide if the new packet of toilet rolls should be kept in the stairs cupboard or in the bathroom itself let alone put all my shit together enough for life changes!

LaLa..... I asked to take a photo of her and this is what she asked me to work with....

My food seems to go in groupings of colour for some reason. Orange was the soup de jour. Well it was tomato really, followed by oranges.

Found this during a spring clean, it was of the kids'  favourites. 

Out for a coffee with LaLa and Sherm. 

Le Nephew (who I'm totally not jelly of....course not!!)

Still, I've got a hideous case of nephew envy. Nah, not really - he deserves to have an amazing time and let his soul soar.

So we had snow.

Le snow dawg

There. I said it. We have had snow..... I normally loves me a bit of the white stuff but this time I'm just finding it a bit tedious (anyone who really knows me will be jumping back in horror saying 'tell me it ain't so'.. right now) and it makes me walk funny cos I think I'm going to fall over, sort of like a bit of Dad dancing but really slowly..... Sigh.....







The girl child has made the massive step of getting a tattoo, her Dad (the awesome husband) is not 100% on board but I think that he worries for the future and doesn't want people to make judgements after seeing the tattoo first rather than his wonderful daughter. I can see both their points of view so I'm just trying to keep a happy medium between them both.

Girl childs' latest adventure

I spent last night writing up things to be grateful for from last week. Journalling about good things is very different.... normally the negative, angst causing, stomach churning feelings tend to get more of an airing as it helps me deal with them if I say/read/write them out loud but yesterday I missioned my way through good things! Yay me! It's not as easy as it sounds and didn't come naturally to me but I can see it becoming a regular thing to remind me that there really, truly is good out there in this big 'ol world of ours.




And last but not least.... here's wishing
Journeymama much love as she sits patiently waiting for her little bubba to make an appearance :D