How to take a bit of heart break and not let it hurt so much..

Cam is nearly 17. This kinda freaks me out a bit. I obviously turned round to pick something up in 1999 and turned back again and it is 2013, I've lost about 13 or so years.








The difficult thing for me is that as he's grown up he's drifted away as well.

From being the tiny baby who we didn't know whether he was going to even live past the age of 8 months (dodgy plumbing in his heart...) through to all the Asperger's connotations, I've been the one closest to him. My arm stretched out to catch before he even knew he was about to fall, I would grab him a jumper 2 minutes before he came to tell me he was cold, I could answer his question before he even asked it. I was linked to him so closely that sometimes I couldn't tell where I finished and he started.


































Being an aspie meant that life has been a bit of a mine field but somehow I knew just where to step so those bombs didn't explode and 9 times out of 10 I could soothe the savage beasts that took hold of him when his life became just too much.

But he's finally reached the teenage years :) even though chronologically he's been there for quite a while and that closeness is dissipating too quickly for me, it's like trying to grab hold of handfuls of smoke - it just slips through my fingers.

I am beyond thrilled that he is now reaching out to other family members and currently his big sis is being super fantabulous and I find them just hanging out together - I love this!! He talks and she listens and he engages. After so many years of him not being interested in being a part of something he is now emerging like a butterfly from it's cocoon, smelling the sweet air and tasting the dew on his tongue.

But it is still a wrench for me, this new stage in his life... I find myself being snapped at for doing something, that 6 months ago, would have been welcomed. Or I get the teenage look of doom for saying something that is inevitably the wrong thing at the wrong time. Hence the heartache, I'm losing him in a way but gaining him at the same time, gone are the days of watching Thomas the Tank Engine and in are the conversations sat around the fire pit about how to facilitate time travel... Yes, really.

It's not easy having teens but at the same time it's sooo exciting watching them grow. The mothering gene should have an 'opt out' switch for these kind of murky waters when it hurts.
As I said to someone recently - parenting hits you with the full 360 of emotions and generally speaking, all within an hour!

So, now I'm looking at the big world with my own eyes, not through the eyes of my children or husband or even dogs... Trying to find my place in it is going to be tough, I think.

All growd up.

What do Mothers do when their kids are all grown? Is there a special class somewhere we can go to that will teach us how to integrate with normal society sans children? For nearly 19 years I have been a Mum, I've nurtured and cosseted, disciplined and educated (literally- as we home schooled!) been a personal cheerleader and psychotherapist, cook and pot washer and about a thousand other things that hang under the title of 'Parent.' After reading Rae's blog about Motherhood and all it's wily ways I pondered how different it is being at the opposite end of the stick - my days of having pre teens and toddlers running about are over. Each stage of parenthood proffers its own craziness, yes?

The girl is off to university in September - WOAH! Wait a minute, university you say??? My child? Old enough to be doing stuff on her own.... When did this happen. So panic sets in and you second guess yourself about whether or not you have prepared this amazing human being enough to be out there in this big ol' world without you to hold their hand. What do you mean they'll have to budget for food, wash their own clothes, remember to lock up at night!!!! I can barely do that myself and I am 40 and she is just a child at almost 19. Hang on a minute, here comes the panic again...

And the boy is off to college soon, Nearly 17 and as tall and hairy as a full grown man. Eeeek.
He wants to be a scientist, to be honest I think he already is. Always wanting to know how the world works on a teeny tiny molecular level. Again, amazement at this serious young man we've raised. He's overcome more difficulties than most adults ever have to face and is simply awesome.






So now me and the husband have to start this new chapter in our lives as the kids start writing their own books.
We'll have to remember to talk to each other without using stuff the kids have done to start the conversation... Wait a minute - you mean that's even a possibility??

This is going to be a bumpy ride I reckon, remembering how to be a person in your own right - not just a parent or partner. You mean I count for something that doesn't involve cooking noodles or cleaning clothes? Of course I do but I sometimes forget this. For just one day I'd like to be able to see myself through Sherm's eyes because apparently he doesn't see a fat, useless lump. He sees his equal in every glance he casts my way, he sees beauty where as I see ugliness, he loves me unconditionally. I'm a very lucky woman. One incredible husband, two fantabulous kids who are rising to their own challenges and a new lawn in the back garden... What more could a girl ask for eh? :)

Garden goodness

My most favourite place to be is outdoors. What ever the weather. Outdoors.
The down side of having dogs (we used to have a cat who liked to leave us presents everywhere) is that they kinda ruin any chance of a garden you could have. Keep in mind one of our four legged friends weighs in at about 140lbs and our lawn suffered terribly. Plants were a no go too as they were always being inspected by paws and teeth so very frequently.

As the year has been progressing we kept look out into the back yard at what we laughingly called a garden and we despaired. Hands were wrung and brows furrowed, teeth gnashed and even some timely pacing occurred. Finally we weighed the pros and cons of a garden upgrade and decided that it was time to grab the bull by the horns and call in the big guns.

And after a weekend of hard work we now have grass! And an area to plant! And a border where I can sow wild flowers to attract the bees!
My soul truly lifts every time I look through a window and see a lush carpet of green goodness.

Except for the time we looked and saw the big pile of black feathers... Our neighbour witnessed the carnage - as swift as an arrow in flight, a kestrel had swooped down and attacked a blackbird that was happily strutting around. Then as quickly as it arrived, it flew off with the poor, dead blackbird in it's talons.
Unhappy as I was about the poor bird and my messy garden I was amazed at how close to wildlife we are in our cities. In our locality and seen on a regular basis are foxes, owls, badgers and now a kestrel! We share our spaces.