Nearly Christmas

What do you do when things really hurt? I miss my Dad so much. And I cry at night while I watch tv and my nose feels like I've just breathed in water from the swimming pool and it stings like it's just been drenched with chlorinated pool water.
And that makes no sense does it?

I'd like to be sat in front of a driftwood fire on a beach, with my lovely husband playing his guitar and we would be listening to the ocean crashing around us and watching the whites of the waves dancing like galloping Lipizzaner stallions in the moonlight. And I wouldn't feel the ache in my heart for my dear Dad. Or maybe I would but it wouldn't be an ache, it'd just be a collage of all the lovely memories I have of him.

Held to ransom

Now don't go thinking this is some surreal story about highwaymen or Robin Hood but it is a story about being held to ransom, by a spider of epic proportions....

Imagine the scene, the household are all tucked up in their beds (except Doodles but more of that in a minute..) even the dogs are soundly asleep and the place is quiet with a capital Q.

I'm awoken by the sound of mumbled shouting, yes I'm aware that doesn't make sense but hear me out!

Apparently Doodles has had a late night on the computer in the ever so wonderful world of warcraft, after finishing on the laptop he ambles off to the bathroom to brush le teeth. Merriment ensues.

Whilst the toothbrush is in his mouth he spots a spider on the wall, not any old spider but one of the massive house spiders that like to wander about in the autumn. He mumbles something at the top of his voice while the toothbrush is still firmly in le mouth-

"Moley mell, qwat der muckletisdatmuddertrucker?"

Well at least that's what it sounded like, this leaves me WIDE awake because
i. Somebody is mumbling at the top of their voice yo!
ii. Doodles NEVER swears.

Which means it must be something bad.

I shout out and ask him what is wrong and he yells back that it's a mahoosive spider!
Cue me firmly slapping the husband awake to go and rescue us from this intruder. By the time the husband has got there it had scuttled away so torches were brought in and crevices all over the bathroom were examined..
Nothing, zip, nada, negatory good buddy on the spider front.

So, doing what any normal family would do - we shut the bathroom door, shut all of our bedroom doors and went to the kitchen to wash our hands if we need the toilet during the night.

Yes. We. Are. Cowards.

It finally turned up a couple of days later. Me and the husband came home to find the sucka on the floor on the dining room, covered by a vase that Doodles had managed to get on top of it as it trundled past at warp speed.....

We've had two more since then, one that the little dog was caught playing with and had eaten by the time I had gotten something to get it out of the house with (URGH!)

And one that became toilet flush fodder.

Held to ransom. Totally.

Here's a picture of a rabbit and a kitty to take your mind off it....

Ups and downs, mountains and molehills, peaks and troughs.

Things are all higgledy-piggledy around here at the moment. We've had another birthday - Doodles has reached the grand ol' age of 16, my how time flies.
We had food and outings with a side order of shopping and cake to finish the day off nicely. Actually the cake came the next day as we decided we wanted to have our cake and eat it whilst watching Dr Who. What a brilliant combo, chocolate cake and a time lord.

Then came Monday, off to the hospital to get my machine...... I'm not a big fan of my machine, it's to regulate my breathing over night as I apparently have a tendency to stop breathing when I'm asleep. The machine blows air through a mask and it's decidedly unbecoming. In fact I look like Bane from the latest Batman film.
Grim, very grim.

Tuesday brought tears and sobbing. I miss my Dad so much it really hurts. I've even had Sherm record Dad's answer phone message so that I can listen to his voice whenever I want to.
I think it was a mixture of having the kids' birthdays and the machine and him just not being there. I know it'll get better and that I probably need this time to grieve but it doesn't make it any easier.

Since LaLa is now 18 she is off out a lot, we miss her but also love the fact that she's out there enjoying life and having fun. It's is a special age when the world is your oyster and life is just there for living!
Dancing, parties, friends, boyfriend, work, college. I remember that age well and truth be told, don't feel old enough to have a daughter of 18...

This is his Ninja pose apparently.

Life, it's all still a journey eh?

After.

Before.

How much do you think my Dad is a Galileo lookalike!

Handling situations with grace

Lala had a get together to celebrate her birthday. We were all very excited about it and looked forward to a nice evening around the fire pit with friends and marshmallows...

What actually happened was this...

*Very drunk teenagers

*Disrespectful teenagers

*Lala discovering her friends aren't quite what she thought they'd be

*Vomit (alcohol induced...)

*Trips to fetch more beer

*Intimidation



I think every parent/child mix goes through this at one time but boy, it's not easy. Especially when your child wants you to give some of these people a second chance.

So, how to handle a situation with grace. I guess I must approach it with an open ear and pleasant smile, also I think I should remember I had wild ways too- back when I was younger. I'm not going to hold the feelings of disappointment inside as they will just eat me up but I am going to realise that LaLa was as hurt as we were and that it wasn't her fault and not to hold it against her or keep bringing it up to cause bad feeling.

Plus, a couple of these people were actually lovely and didn't drink themselves into stupidity or be arrogant and negligent all in the same breath...

Do we, as parents, have the right to tell our kids who is being a good friend and who they should avoid? Or do we step back and realise that some things just have to be found out for themselves and that we should keep a calm demeanour and a gentle smile with arms ready to catch our kids when the unexpected happens.

Lala, Haylesowen & Superman

J-boy and McSpannah

The LaLa and Annie

Grace, my friends, grace in the bucket loads.

The Birthday Girl!

My little girl has just reached the grand ol' age of 18! She is currently out with friends painting the town red, white, green and purple!
Wish her Gar was here to see the beautiful, young woman that we dropped off in town tonight - he, like us, would've been super proud.

Hay & LaLa ready to paint the town red. x

He was right...

Everything my dear Dad said about what would happen when he dies seems to be all too true. My parents had a very poor relationship and we would often say that they couldn't live with each other and couldn't live without each other.

My Dad was a very private man who struggled with anxiety and other things. He was a hoarder - no doubt about that but he kept it down to the 2 rooms he would frequent most. And I'm not talking about carrier bags full of empty cereal boxes, it was mainly memories.... Cards from me and my brother when we were just whippersnappers or treasures he had acquired over the years gone by, BOOKS-holla!! books by the bucket load about any given subject you could think of!! Music, ironmongery incase it would come in handy, tools for various diy projects he'd done. Lest we forget that 8 months before his death he had ripped all the old kitchen cabinets out and replaced them with new ones - he was 73!!!!

But my mother could be a spiteful person and she would shout at him and nag him to do all these things that his ailing health wouldn't allow. She told him how useless he was and how when he was gone she'd chuck all the stuff out and chop down all the trees he grew and nurtured from small pips/seeds and cuttings. She said much more and much worse.

He would tell me that when he was gone she'd get rid of all his things and wipe out any memory of him ever living there.

And she has done. His stuff is all either filed away in the small room upstairs with the door firmly shut or thrown out with the rubbish. Less than 6 weeks after he died his beloved trees haven't just been pruned back, they've been decimated. The apple trees he helped me grow from pips, when I was barely out of long socks, that bore fruit faithfully every year - well they look to have gone.

My relationship with her was fractured to say the least but it feels almost irretrievable now.

I feel like I am parentless now even though she only lives 300 yards down the road.

I miss my Dad with every last little bit of me.

Just some of the poor trees, a little less oxygen for this world.

The kids

I am renaming the kids... Jitsuqueen is now taking on the moniker "LaLa" which is what Sly used to call her when he was little and Sly shall be forever known as "Doodles" - no one knows why we ever called him that as a little guy, it may have something to do with the doodlebug bomb - causes mass devastation but you never see or hear it coming.

Anyhoo, LaLa came downstairs, all dressed in skinny red jeans and a t-shirt and ready to go out to meet her friends. She looked cute. After about a full 5 minutes she dashed upstairs and returned in hippie boho trousers with a vest top and cardi.... "Ooooo that feels more like me" she says.

And it did. She looked so much more LaLa like.

                                                   

                                                   Doodles and LaLa xx

Stars that never come

I spent a long time last night sat outside with eyes skyward. The air was calm, the clouds fading away and finally I glimpsed the stars that studded the most velvety, blue sky.

In my angst riddled brain I was trying to convince myself that if I saw a shooting star I would know my Dad had sent it to let me know he was still around.


Not as crazy as you might think.....considering it is peak time for the Perseid meteor shower. This was a shoo in, I thought to myself - I can convince myself that my brain is right and my Dad is there....

Nothing, zip, nada, zero, negatory good buddy, zilch.... There were beautiful stars out there BUT they were all stationary.

Then I cried. Great, big bucket loads of tears. Just another reminder (albeit of my own creation) that my dear, dear Dad isn't here anymore.

It was a sad night.

But if anyone sees a shooting star - that'll be from my Dad, he's just letting you know he's still around...

Too hard, too difficult, too soon. JUST.TOO.MUCH.

It's been 25 days since the dearest man passed away. My Dad. Gone.
Passed away suggest he just went for a walk.... But he didn't, he died and won't be coming back.

I hurt in a way that just doesn't feel sustainable. Surely it must start to fade soon, this unimaginable feeling of being set adrift and sorrow.

I miss him so much.

I wrote this down for the celebrant who conducted his funeral, he asked for some info about this great, wonderful man whom I was lucky enough to have as my father....

A great man.

First thing you noticed about my Dad was his beard and ponytail! I loved the fact that he looked so different.

He was a quiet man, shy and humble. People underestimated him as he was so self-effacing but once you took the time to get to know him, he was not only smart but incredibly funny and he had a wicked sense of humour which he unleashed not often enough for my liking!!!

Kind hearted. Knowledgable, intelligent and wise, there’s a big difference between knowing a lot and being wise enough to know when, where and how to use that knowledge - Dad knew the difference.... He was my counsel in all aspects of my life and always gave me the benefit of his experience. 

Loving Father, DIY guru, helped us ALL out around our houses - be it plumbing, bricklaying, installing new kitchens, central heating systems!! You name it, he could do it. And if he didn’t know he’d soon learn whatever it was.

Worshipped his 2 grandchildren, who called him Gar. Lauren (nearly 18) and Cam (nearly 16), he instilled in Lauren a love for art that she has continued with throughout her life and he was so proud to learn of her great accomplishments at college and that she’d secured her place at university. From her being about age 5 he would sit with her at the kitchen table and gently guide her  as she discovered how to paint and create.. A shared passion for them both. He also knew instinctively how to calm her down if she was stressed or worried and she would turn to him for advice that he’d give freely.

And now to his grandson, Cam.... They were like 2 peas in a pod. Not only family but best friends too. Sharing a love of not only each other but numerous hobbies... trains, sudoku, computers and more than anything - each others company. They spent lots of time trying to beat their latest sudoku time or chatting about family history. Cam spent a lot of his time with his beloved “Gar.” It was well known by friends and family that Cam would go down to Gar’s house several times a week and especially for tea every Saturday and each week it would be the same meal - chicken in white wine sauce! “Gar” also taught him how to do diy jobs too and Cam complained most vocally recently, when he saw our attempts at plastering as his Gar had taught how to do it properly and on a ceiling at that!!!

He was a bit of a Dr Dolittle and all animals seemed to love him! He would even charm bees and wasps that had gone off course and flown into the kitchen into leaving by telling them “come on now Fred, out you go, you’re in the wrong place, right a bit, right a bit, nearly there...” and off they would go as if by magic. More recently he used to enjoy getting ‘marmalised’ by our puppy Sprocket who loved to play with his beard given half a chance - this used to be fine when he was a 3 month old puppy but as soon as Sprocket started approaching 9 stone we had to reign him in a bit and Dad used to end up covered in slobber but with his beard in tact.

He has had many pets over the years and most of them were probably his idea but he let us think we were the ones that wanted them! 

He did like to keep things incase they came in handy and to be honest all of his stuff was  a bit of an Arkwright’s emporium and in didn’t matter how fanciful the item was...he probably had one of it at least... 

I loved the fact that he really loved my husband and he and Shermil would while away the hours on a Saturday night (as they were both night owls) talking about everything and nothing, putting the world to rights and laughing at unimportant stuff. Time they both looked forward to, I’d be sat on the settee and as soon as it got to 11.45pm on a Saturday, Sherm would text Dad to make sure it was ok for him to go down and the replying text would turn up in seconds saying “sure, door’s unlocked” and off Shermil would go for his weekly social!

Mostly he showed me what being a great parent was all about by treating me kindly and gently and guiding me without me even knowing it.

Very loved and very missed. 

My best boys....

Me and my Pa

Jitsuqueen & Gar

Marchness

The month of March in pictures...

Supper time at Moonstone manor...

Our new log store, made from recycled pallets.

Puppy trying to catch a bubble.. He did, but you'll have to zoom in to spot it in his rather large mouth.

A friend posted a desk based meme on Facebook, don't know what mine says about me??

Nothing finer on a crisp, spring day than an oh so hot cup of tea :)

Jitsuqueen and our apparently cyborg/terminator dawg.

Yarn bombing project for Jitsuqueen's art instillation.

Birthday pressie!!

My birthday, feeling the pain at 39!

The boy child. And washing. And crocheting.

March?? It's March already you say??

My next door neighbours are lovely, they have 2 daughters - one of whom I went to school with. Said daughter has got a lovely little bundle of joy who is around 14 months old.

And they are staying the week, next door, with plenty of nurturing from the neighbours - lots of tenderness for the grandchild and a big 'ol heap of motherly/fatherly love for the daughter.

Do you know what?? I love hearing the gurgles, giggles and shrieks of delight emanating from their house. The fact that as they are pushing the pram down the driveway, they always stop to have a look at the puppy (who is gazing at them through the fence) and the baby looks at this giant ball of brown fluff with wide, blue eyes of wonder.

Hmmmm, oh my days. Babies are special aren't they? My babies are currently hurtling towards adulthood at warp speed so it's kinda nice to look back at the photos of yester year....

I spent an afternoon looking through some old piccies... here are a few.

By the way, be prepared... my babies are veerrryyy cute...

{this moment}

Joining SouleMama for {this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

Reflection

I have been thinking, searching, struggling and hoping for the last few weeks.

I guess also, there has been a lot of reflecting going on as well.

A friend sent me a link to a website where people had uploaded letters to their inner/ former 16 year old. It was called Dear Me

Anyhoo, I decided to give this a go but with a twist - a letter to my future self....

Here it is :)

Dear Me,

Hopefully this letter will reach me when life is peachy keen. When the image I have of myself has become a reality, when fear doesn’t control our life...

So, future me- I picture you smiling. Your hair is long and glossy and swishes when you turn your head.

Did I mention the smile??

Your smile is an easy invitation to be around you. You haven’t lost your sense of humour or your empathic nature - they’re just a couple of things that draw people to you.

Plus you don’t mind mixing with people, you enjoy company and aren’t scared to mingle anymore. You actively seek people out nowadays.

And you’ve lost enough weight so that you’re comfortable in your own skin. I’d go so far as to say you are sparkly and glowing.

Also you’ve found a community that you can belong to, dipping in and out of - if and when you please.

The kids are happy, smiling and laughing. Enjoying their lives. Satisfied and not yearning for something they can’t have.

Really loving the path their lives are taking them on.

Shermil is relaxed and content. Not striving to make more money or think that he needs to provide more anything and everything for us. He laughs a lot. The stress doesn’t sit on his shoulders anymore like a little child tired of walking too far.

We travel a lot to far flung places where the roots of banyan trees hide doorways into temples that are cool, dark and almost forgotten.

We ride planes, trains, tuk tuks, elephants - all types of vehicles that help us explore the hidden and mysterious - the garish and loud - the serene and tranquil.

Places that this beautiful world is desperate for us to see.

I can’t wait to meet you, future me.....

I think we’ll get along just fine. You’ll sooth my anxiety riddled brain, you’ll kiss my furrowed brow and gently whisper in my ear, “Just trust. It’s going to be alright. Life is meant for living and loving. You are perfect the way you are. Try not to rush - you can be and see more clearly at a slower speed. Remember how loved you are, okay?”

And then my shoulders will stop being so tense and reposition themselves from their usual ‘up around my ear’ location to a more natural place... My jaw will stop clenching and aching because it doesn’t need to anymore because hey, the stress has gone! The anxiety will fade into a distant memory and we’ll remember to breath, live, enjoy and experience.

All that peace and happiness WITHOUT any medications.

And you’ve finally finished crocheting Loll’s festival poncho :)

I love you,

Me xx

Mostly cloudy with a chance of numb

I had a headache this morning, all nasty and gnarly in my noggin. So I slept. Probably 13 hours in total. And now I feel a little numb, like all my shiny has been dulled..... Don't worry - I get what I mean :)

Today I am feeling grateful for the little things: the stove being lit all day to warm us; pretty wool to keep on crocheting the Jitsuqueen's festival poncho; somebody else taking the dogs out for a walk; books to read & beds to sleep in...

And the awesome husband who takes my moods and headaches as gracefully as he does.

Hoping the week to come is wonderful.

{this moment}

{this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

{this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.