How to take a bit of heart break and not let it hurt so much..

Cam is nearly 17. This kinda freaks me out a bit. I obviously turned round to pick something up in 1999 and turned back again and it is 2013, I've lost about 13 or so years.








The difficult thing for me is that as he's grown up he's drifted away as well.

From being the tiny baby who we didn't know whether he was going to even live past the age of 8 months (dodgy plumbing in his heart...) through to all the Asperger's connotations, I've been the one closest to him. My arm stretched out to catch before he even knew he was about to fall, I would grab him a jumper 2 minutes before he came to tell me he was cold, I could answer his question before he even asked it. I was linked to him so closely that sometimes I couldn't tell where I finished and he started.


































Being an aspie meant that life has been a bit of a mine field but somehow I knew just where to step so those bombs didn't explode and 9 times out of 10 I could soothe the savage beasts that took hold of him when his life became just too much.

But he's finally reached the teenage years :) even though chronologically he's been there for quite a while and that closeness is dissipating too quickly for me, it's like trying to grab hold of handfuls of smoke - it just slips through my fingers.

I am beyond thrilled that he is now reaching out to other family members and currently his big sis is being super fantabulous and I find them just hanging out together - I love this!! He talks and she listens and he engages. After so many years of him not being interested in being a part of something he is now emerging like a butterfly from it's cocoon, smelling the sweet air and tasting the dew on his tongue.

But it is still a wrench for me, this new stage in his life... I find myself being snapped at for doing something, that 6 months ago, would have been welcomed. Or I get the teenage look of doom for saying something that is inevitably the wrong thing at the wrong time. Hence the heartache, I'm losing him in a way but gaining him at the same time, gone are the days of watching Thomas the Tank Engine and in are the conversations sat around the fire pit about how to facilitate time travel... Yes, really.

It's not easy having teens but at the same time it's sooo exciting watching them grow. The mothering gene should have an 'opt out' switch for these kind of murky waters when it hurts.
As I said to someone recently - parenting hits you with the full 360 of emotions and generally speaking, all within an hour!

So, now I'm looking at the big world with my own eyes, not through the eyes of my children or husband or even dogs... Trying to find my place in it is going to be tough, I think.

All growd up.

What do Mothers do when their kids are all grown? Is there a special class somewhere we can go to that will teach us how to integrate with normal society sans children? For nearly 19 years I have been a Mum, I've nurtured and cosseted, disciplined and educated (literally- as we home schooled!) been a personal cheerleader and psychotherapist, cook and pot washer and about a thousand other things that hang under the title of 'Parent.' After reading Rae's blog about Motherhood and all it's wily ways I pondered how different it is being at the opposite end of the stick - my days of having pre teens and toddlers running about are over. Each stage of parenthood proffers its own craziness, yes?

The girl is off to university in September - WOAH! Wait a minute, university you say??? My child? Old enough to be doing stuff on her own.... When did this happen. So panic sets in and you second guess yourself about whether or not you have prepared this amazing human being enough to be out there in this big ol' world without you to hold their hand. What do you mean they'll have to budget for food, wash their own clothes, remember to lock up at night!!!! I can barely do that myself and I am 40 and she is just a child at almost 19. Hang on a minute, here comes the panic again...

And the boy is off to college soon, Nearly 17 and as tall and hairy as a full grown man. Eeeek.
He wants to be a scientist, to be honest I think he already is. Always wanting to know how the world works on a teeny tiny molecular level. Again, amazement at this serious young man we've raised. He's overcome more difficulties than most adults ever have to face and is simply awesome.






So now me and the husband have to start this new chapter in our lives as the kids start writing their own books.
We'll have to remember to talk to each other without using stuff the kids have done to start the conversation... Wait a minute - you mean that's even a possibility??

This is going to be a bumpy ride I reckon, remembering how to be a person in your own right - not just a parent or partner. You mean I count for something that doesn't involve cooking noodles or cleaning clothes? Of course I do but I sometimes forget this. For just one day I'd like to be able to see myself through Sherm's eyes because apparently he doesn't see a fat, useless lump. He sees his equal in every glance he casts my way, he sees beauty where as I see ugliness, he loves me unconditionally. I'm a very lucky woman. One incredible husband, two fantabulous kids who are rising to their own challenges and a new lawn in the back garden... What more could a girl ask for eh? :)

Garden goodness

My most favourite place to be is outdoors. What ever the weather. Outdoors.
The down side of having dogs (we used to have a cat who liked to leave us presents everywhere) is that they kinda ruin any chance of a garden you could have. Keep in mind one of our four legged friends weighs in at about 140lbs and our lawn suffered terribly. Plants were a no go too as they were always being inspected by paws and teeth so very frequently.

As the year has been progressing we kept look out into the back yard at what we laughingly called a garden and we despaired. Hands were wrung and brows furrowed, teeth gnashed and even some timely pacing occurred. Finally we weighed the pros and cons of a garden upgrade and decided that it was time to grab the bull by the horns and call in the big guns.

And after a weekend of hard work we now have grass! And an area to plant! And a border where I can sow wild flowers to attract the bees!
My soul truly lifts every time I look through a window and see a lush carpet of green goodness.

Except for the time we looked and saw the big pile of black feathers... Our neighbour witnessed the carnage - as swift as an arrow in flight, a kestrel had swooped down and attacked a blackbird that was happily strutting around. Then as quickly as it arrived, it flew off with the poor, dead blackbird in it's talons.
Unhappy as I was about the poor bird and my messy garden I was amazed at how close to wildlife we are in our cities. In our locality and seen on a regular basis are foxes, owls, badgers and now a kestrel! We share our spaces.

Two negatives equal a positive or so they tell me...

Did anyone ever tell you that grown up life can be a bit like school playground life but with mortgages and bills and the like?
There are cliques and popularity contests, competitions to see who has the best curtains and furniture, my job is better than your job - oh no it isn't..... my car goes faster than your car, we have 3 foreign holidays a year and to hell with the carbon footprints.

Oh man, someone let me off this crazy merry-go-round called adult life!

One incident started me thinking about negativity and selfishness and whether or not the 2 are linked by some cosmic factor, we were driving along with no worries when all of a sudden a van driver cut us up without warning. No hand gesture to say 'Ooops, sorry about that' or a friendly nod to acknowledge his vehicular faux pas. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
All because he'd decided he wanted to be in a different lane, we nearly get bumped. Is that selfish of him? I reacted with a certain amount of hostile language under my breath...  well not so under my breath :) and the husband who is a driving instructor and very professional, wasn't phased - he just reacted swiftly and took us out of harms way.

He is always so calm in these kind of situations, where as I go from 0 to rage in about 3 seconds. I try so hard to be a good, kind and caring person and when other people act so differently it really bugs me. Then it bugs me that I am bugged about it and then WOW! - GUILT and SHAME about thinking so meanly about someone who could be having a terrible day. The van driver could have been in a hurry because his child was ill or his house had been burgled or any number of things. Or he could simply have been a douchebag.

How we react to people, who, let's face it, are big ol' meany meano's from Meansville is down to us. Trying to think the best of people can be challenging at times but I'm hoping goodness shines through and the good guys save the day. Sometimes the shiny happiness is clouded by people who only think of themselves, but do they do that on purpose or were they never taught how to empathise or look at the bigger picture. Can a person be truly selfish if what they are actually doing is not thinking of themselves but simply not thinking of others? Maybe their brains aren't stuck on 'me, me, me, me' but neither are they registering 'you, you, you' either.

Hopefully in the scheme of things my curtains don't maketh the man and I'm not the sum of my Ikea sofas or kitchen cabinets. Hopefully people won't judge me because of how I look or where I shop or how we drive, neither will they look on me with scorn because I think it's reasonable to put out my oap next door neighbours rubbish bins out for collection because it saves them having to do it. Or a million other kind things I try to do to ease someone else's day.

Kindness is the new black, or 30 or however the saying goes. Kindness actually rocks and lets hope people pass a little bit of it on as often as they can.

One day at a time.

One day at a time to still be grieving. One day at a time to search for reason. One day at a time to better myself.

I'm a great believer in spirituality and that is where I search for reasons. Some people think it can be separate from religion but for me it is the quest to find the sacred. Yes, it can involve esoteric Eastern traditions, I don't believe any religion has the monopoly on ritual and yes, you can worship in a way that is only suited to how you perceive what is sacred.
I was brought up in an agnostic household. We kinda of believed in stuff and we, as kids, were christened - as it was the thing to do, not that it had meaning.

At about age 10 I became a member of a local church, I felt warmth and a sense of belonging but I can't remember if I truly believed?? I sang in the choir and went to Sunday school. I really enjoyed it. But did it make me a Christian? I don't recall why I stopped going... I probably found it didn't gel with school/friends/boys etc...

Sooo, how to believe in God. I think I'm in the whole "yes there is a God" camp but I'm unsure as each and every religion seems to have all these rules that just don't sit well with me -I think women are equal to men, gay people have every right to love who they want and raise a family together, food is food - wherever it came from and meat should be slaughtered as humanely as possible, God shouldn't be capricious- he or she should stick to their word.


If I could, I would take a little piece from so many religions! Hindu puja's,  both the ones performed at home and at larger ceremonies are beautiful, as are bhajans (devotional songs) that are sung with simple clarity and true belief and with full hearts.

Then I'd throw in a weekly Sabbath to show that I could give time to rest and reflect on God. But with a few less rules - if I wanted to sew, light a fire or plant some seeds then that'd be cool but I'd just do it with God in my heart.

Ancestor worship is really common in S.E Asia and it would be for me too, I can't believe my loved ones are completely gone when they die but I'm not sure if I'm ready to think about Heaven either because if their is a heaven then there must be a hell....  I think evil simply is-I don't think the devil has to point people in any direction but I do believe we have a freedom of choice to be good and loving human beings.

And seeing the divine as nature - I am so down with that. Every time I see a flower blossoming or waves crashing on an empty beach, snow falling, trees growing, immovable mountains....I reckon that is when my heart fills and I see God.
Prayer shouldn't be rigid or separate, women and men should be able to be together when they want to talk to the Divine....
Meditation could be a useful ally to concentrate on goodness.




I'm still on the fence about Jesus, I think Gandhi probably got it right when he said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Jesus appears to be pretty cool, he was down with the everyday folk, he cared for people - fat people, thin people, rich & poor, good or bad, it didn't seem to matter to him but I really don't get why he had to die just for me? That's quite a responsibility for me to deal with!!

Religion also seems to mean conquering and conversion, with a little dish of war on the side. Extremism is an ugly use of a persons belief and it strikes fear in my heart when people use it as a weapon to dish out hate.

And......
For example, Hinduism ticks so many boxes for me but then lets me down with a thump when it talks about people being 'untouchables' just for being born into the wrong family/caste... Judaism is good - but the rules are so strict and I really do not think the kosher way of killing animals is reasonable, plus I likes me some crustaceans and an occasional bacon sandwich. Islam just seems more about making up the numbers to swell their ranks.. And even though people who are Muslim say that women aren't viewed as second class citizens, then why are they expected to prayer separately from men or in other countries they aren't even allowed to drive??



I wonder how many people of differing religions actually actively chose that path. Most people are brought up believing in something and that follows on into their adult lives.

Me... I'm still searching.

Awkward...

Well, lets all discuss the most awkward places to suddenly remember that your dear Dad is, in fact dead and not just on some everlasting holiday...

a.  During an episode of all singing, all dancing 'Glee.'
b. In the cinema whilst watching Hansel and Gretel.
c. Tesco's - bread and cakes aisle...
d. Outside Marks and Spencer's in a big shopping mall cos they didn't have the right coloured rose bouquet and his spirit might not like the peach ones - I always get the yellow ones.
e. At the gym, on the treadmill.

 To mention but a few.

And folks, when I say "remember" what I actually mean is burst into horrendous, sobbing tears. The kind that you don't know if it's snot or tears rolling down your face.

I miss that man. I miss that he missed my big birthday. And the mahoosive banner the kids strung between the houses! And that my awesome husband's got game and whisked me away for a lovely get-away in the Lake District, just the 2 of us. Or the fact that my birthday went on being celebrated for a whole week :)

I dream about him (my beloved Dad) every night and have done since about a week after the funeral. Last night I dreamt his car was broken so he had a Porsche Cayenne???

I'm making him a thousand cranes. A dedication from my heart.

Windermere

Birthday flowers!

LaLa and Doodles doing the birthday things :)

The end result! And yes, I am wearing a tiara!

Any guesses on how old I was??

New fire-pit for relaxing evenings :) *happy

Big brother and me

If this was in the military I'd be shouting "Hooah" right now...

For the past 70 million years I have had the mop and bucket sat in the kitchen. It looks at me with a tenderness as I wander past it, a real longing in the way it's tousled mop fibres point at me.

I have, so far, ignored it and it's wanton ways. No mop and bucket is going to attract me so easily, I say to myself as I hurry out of the kitchen. I'm not that submissive when it comes to 'kitchen fun'..

But as my awesome husband had an early nap this afternoon and LaLa and Doodles were ransacking Subway for it's cheeky french bread and multiple meat offerings - I found myself all on my lonesome. I wandered into the culinary heart of the home and got cornered by some cillit bang and the hot water tap who were voicing their concerns over visitation rights with the mop. Who am I to deny their pleasure???

So folks, I mopped. Hooah. The end.