Stars that never come

I spent a long time last night sat outside with eyes skyward. The air was calm, the clouds fading away and finally I glimpsed the stars that studded the most velvety, blue sky.

In my angst riddled brain I was trying to convince myself that if I saw a shooting star I would know my Dad had sent it to let me know he was still around.


Not as crazy as you might think.....considering it is peak time for the Perseid meteor shower. This was a shoo in, I thought to myself - I can convince myself that my brain is right and my Dad is there....

Nothing, zip, nada, zero, negatory good buddy, zilch.... There were beautiful stars out there BUT they were all stationary.

Then I cried. Great, big bucket loads of tears. Just another reminder (albeit of my own creation) that my dear, dear Dad isn't here anymore.

It was a sad night.

But if anyone sees a shooting star - that'll be from my Dad, he's just letting you know he's still around...

Too hard, too difficult, too soon. JUST.TOO.MUCH.

It's been 25 days since the dearest man passed away. My Dad. Gone.
Passed away suggest he just went for a walk.... But he didn't, he died and won't be coming back.

I hurt in a way that just doesn't feel sustainable. Surely it must start to fade soon, this unimaginable feeling of being set adrift and sorrow.

I miss him so much.

I wrote this down for the celebrant who conducted his funeral, he asked for some info about this great, wonderful man whom I was lucky enough to have as my father....

A great man.

First thing you noticed about my Dad was his beard and ponytail! I loved the fact that he looked so different.

He was a quiet man, shy and humble. People underestimated him as he was so self-effacing but once you took the time to get to know him, he was not only smart but incredibly funny and he had a wicked sense of humour which he unleashed not often enough for my liking!!!

Kind hearted. Knowledgable, intelligent and wise, there’s a big difference between knowing a lot and being wise enough to know when, where and how to use that knowledge - Dad knew the difference.... He was my counsel in all aspects of my life and always gave me the benefit of his experience. 

Loving Father, DIY guru, helped us ALL out around our houses - be it plumbing, bricklaying, installing new kitchens, central heating systems!! You name it, he could do it. And if he didn’t know he’d soon learn whatever it was.

Worshipped his 2 grandchildren, who called him Gar. Lauren (nearly 18) and Cam (nearly 16), he instilled in Lauren a love for art that she has continued with throughout her life and he was so proud to learn of her great accomplishments at college and that she’d secured her place at university. From her being about age 5 he would sit with her at the kitchen table and gently guide her  as she discovered how to paint and create.. A shared passion for them both. He also knew instinctively how to calm her down if she was stressed or worried and she would turn to him for advice that he’d give freely.

And now to his grandson, Cam.... They were like 2 peas in a pod. Not only family but best friends too. Sharing a love of not only each other but numerous hobbies... trains, sudoku, computers and more than anything - each others company. They spent lots of time trying to beat their latest sudoku time or chatting about family history. Cam spent a lot of his time with his beloved “Gar.” It was well known by friends and family that Cam would go down to Gar’s house several times a week and especially for tea every Saturday and each week it would be the same meal - chicken in white wine sauce! “Gar” also taught him how to do diy jobs too and Cam complained most vocally recently, when he saw our attempts at plastering as his Gar had taught how to do it properly and on a ceiling at that!!!

He was a bit of a Dr Dolittle and all animals seemed to love him! He would even charm bees and wasps that had gone off course and flown into the kitchen into leaving by telling them “come on now Fred, out you go, you’re in the wrong place, right a bit, right a bit, nearly there...” and off they would go as if by magic. More recently he used to enjoy getting ‘marmalised’ by our puppy Sprocket who loved to play with his beard given half a chance - this used to be fine when he was a 3 month old puppy but as soon as Sprocket started approaching 9 stone we had to reign him in a bit and Dad used to end up covered in slobber but with his beard in tact.

He has had many pets over the years and most of them were probably his idea but he let us think we were the ones that wanted them! 

He did like to keep things incase they came in handy and to be honest all of his stuff was  a bit of an Arkwright’s emporium and in didn’t matter how fanciful the item was...he probably had one of it at least... 

I loved the fact that he really loved my husband and he and Shermil would while away the hours on a Saturday night (as they were both night owls) talking about everything and nothing, putting the world to rights and laughing at unimportant stuff. Time they both looked forward to, I’d be sat on the settee and as soon as it got to 11.45pm on a Saturday, Sherm would text Dad to make sure it was ok for him to go down and the replying text would turn up in seconds saying “sure, door’s unlocked” and off Shermil would go for his weekly social!

Mostly he showed me what being a great parent was all about by treating me kindly and gently and guiding me without me even knowing it.

Very loved and very missed. 

My best boys....

Me and my Pa

Jitsuqueen & Gar

Marchness

The month of March in pictures...

Supper time at Moonstone manor...

Our new log store, made from recycled pallets.

Puppy trying to catch a bubble.. He did, but you'll have to zoom in to spot it in his rather large mouth.

A friend posted a desk based meme on Facebook, don't know what mine says about me??

Nothing finer on a crisp, spring day than an oh so hot cup of tea :)

Jitsuqueen and our apparently cyborg/terminator dawg.

Yarn bombing project for Jitsuqueen's art instillation.

Birthday pressie!!

My birthday, feeling the pain at 39!

The boy child. And washing. And crocheting.

March?? It's March already you say??

My next door neighbours are lovely, they have 2 daughters - one of whom I went to school with. Said daughter has got a lovely little bundle of joy who is around 14 months old.

And they are staying the week, next door, with plenty of nurturing from the neighbours - lots of tenderness for the grandchild and a big 'ol heap of motherly/fatherly love for the daughter.

Do you know what?? I love hearing the gurgles, giggles and shrieks of delight emanating from their house. The fact that as they are pushing the pram down the driveway, they always stop to have a look at the puppy (who is gazing at them through the fence) and the baby looks at this giant ball of brown fluff with wide, blue eyes of wonder.

Hmmmm, oh my days. Babies are special aren't they? My babies are currently hurtling towards adulthood at warp speed so it's kinda nice to look back at the photos of yester year....

I spent an afternoon looking through some old piccies... here are a few.

By the way, be prepared... my babies are veerrryyy cute...

{this moment}

Joining SouleMama for {this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

Reflection

I have been thinking, searching, struggling and hoping for the last few weeks.

I guess also, there has been a lot of reflecting going on as well.

A friend sent me a link to a website where people had uploaded letters to their inner/ former 16 year old. It was called Dear Me

Anyhoo, I decided to give this a go but with a twist - a letter to my future self....

Here it is :)

Dear Me,

Hopefully this letter will reach me when life is peachy keen. When the image I have of myself has become a reality, when fear doesn’t control our life...

So, future me- I picture you smiling. Your hair is long and glossy and swishes when you turn your head.

Did I mention the smile??

Your smile is an easy invitation to be around you. You haven’t lost your sense of humour or your empathic nature - they’re just a couple of things that draw people to you.

Plus you don’t mind mixing with people, you enjoy company and aren’t scared to mingle anymore. You actively seek people out nowadays.

And you’ve lost enough weight so that you’re comfortable in your own skin. I’d go so far as to say you are sparkly and glowing.

Also you’ve found a community that you can belong to, dipping in and out of - if and when you please.

The kids are happy, smiling and laughing. Enjoying their lives. Satisfied and not yearning for something they can’t have.

Really loving the path their lives are taking them on.

Shermil is relaxed and content. Not striving to make more money or think that he needs to provide more anything and everything for us. He laughs a lot. The stress doesn’t sit on his shoulders anymore like a little child tired of walking too far.

We travel a lot to far flung places where the roots of banyan trees hide doorways into temples that are cool, dark and almost forgotten.

We ride planes, trains, tuk tuks, elephants - all types of vehicles that help us explore the hidden and mysterious - the garish and loud - the serene and tranquil.

Places that this beautiful world is desperate for us to see.

I can’t wait to meet you, future me.....

I think we’ll get along just fine. You’ll sooth my anxiety riddled brain, you’ll kiss my furrowed brow and gently whisper in my ear, “Just trust. It’s going to be alright. Life is meant for living and loving. You are perfect the way you are. Try not to rush - you can be and see more clearly at a slower speed. Remember how loved you are, okay?”

And then my shoulders will stop being so tense and reposition themselves from their usual ‘up around my ear’ location to a more natural place... My jaw will stop clenching and aching because it doesn’t need to anymore because hey, the stress has gone! The anxiety will fade into a distant memory and we’ll remember to breath, live, enjoy and experience.

All that peace and happiness WITHOUT any medications.

And you’ve finally finished crocheting Loll’s festival poncho :)

I love you,

Me xx

Mostly cloudy with a chance of numb

I had a headache this morning, all nasty and gnarly in my noggin. So I slept. Probably 13 hours in total. And now I feel a little numb, like all my shiny has been dulled..... Don't worry - I get what I mean :)

Today I am feeling grateful for the little things: the stove being lit all day to warm us; pretty wool to keep on crocheting the Jitsuqueen's festival poncho; somebody else taking the dogs out for a walk; books to read & beds to sleep in...

And the awesome husband who takes my moods and headaches as gracefully as he does.

Hoping the week to come is wonderful.