Spiritually, mentally and physically. Put the work in and you'll find yourself.
Physically Back in February I joined a gym. I had to make my daughter join with me as a comfort blanket and also as a reason for me to go. The maternal gene is huge in me so if Loll went I would have to also go just to make sure she was ok - see what I did there??? I tricked my brain into making me do something I didn't want to do by playing the Mum card! *taps forehead in a smart manner :)
And I'm up to 45 minute sessions 5 days a week - yay me!!!
I never thought in a million years that the gym was the place to be but going there has sure helped alter my view of myself. I am terrified of being judged, not just a little bit but great, whopping planet sized amounts of judgement.
Most of it comes from my own brain - "You're so useless, why would anyone want to talk to you..."
"You're so fat and that makes you a second class citizen, not even worthy of people talking to you"
"See those people over there? Well, they are laughing at you because you're so hideous."
Seriously, this is typical of the one sided conversation that goes on in my mind, day in and day out. This leads me nicely onto...
Mentally Well, as I was saying, my brain can be a tad mean to itself. I liken it to having a tired, spoilt, mardy child sat on my shoulder, shouting in their best whispering voice in my ear about all the things I'm terrible at and how hideous I am and that folks would be better off without me. This child is called Anxiety and it normally kicks me in the stomach at least 5 times a day. Now when I say I get anxious I don't mean the proverbial 'butterflies in my stomach.'
I'm talking; arial acrobatics within my stomach, headache, sweats, thoughts racing at 150mph, digestive issues (yes that is code for toilet worries...) and tears - great big sobbing tears.
On top of all that I'm hearing the child tell me how useless I am and how my husband must be a blind fool to put up with me and on and on it goes.
So I've decided that I'm going to stop listening. All those hurtful things I say to myself, I wouldn't dream of saying them to another human being so why am I letting myself think its ok to say them to little ol' me?
I am a work in progress. I am trying to be gentler with myself, talking kindly to the seething mess of anxiety that lives in my brain. I'm doing new things that terrify me and part of me is still convinced that behind the smiles of everyone I meet is a sneer and that they are thinking awful thoughts about me. But soon my neurons will get the memo that I'm moving on from this way of thinking and easing into what I think is a bit more suitable - love and acceptance.
I know that if I stayed at home I would still feel the terrible burden of anxiety but on the flip side I'd feel it if I was trying new things, sooooo I am getting out there and taking part in life. Still scared but doing new things, going new places. It's all about trying to see myself through the eyes of my loved ones and not my own eyes.
Spiritually I search for God. A lot. God is very elusive. I've searched for Him/Her/It in the bible, in the veda's, meditating under the open sky, the torah, quran, in the summer solstice and through the eyes of devout people.
"Which God do you believe in?" you may ask...
"The magnificent one" I say. "The one that loves me whatever I look like, that resides in nature and guides me gently through troubled waters OR calm waters for that matter... the one that dwells in me and helps me be the kinder, more loving person that I know I am. That's the God I believe in."
But sometimes I feel I am no closer to Him/Her/It than I am to- let's say, the nearest galaxy.
I keep asking for a sign but I've not been hit by one bolt of lightning so far :)
Maybe the Divine is sat there trying to tell me to open my eyes and then I'll see it... A nice, neat little sign post that says "Divine spirit this way, only 5 miles to go"
So that's where I am, halfway in and halfway behind myself. Moving forwards while staying stationary.
Changes always start with a tiny step eh.
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